Words to remember

Posted on May 24, 2008
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Of all the thing that have ever been said about life, these words spoken by Rocky Balboa to his son in the Rocky 6 movie (whether it was a movie or not) is something for us all to remember….

Popularity: 40% [?]

Me in Me (episode 8)

Posted on May 11, 2008
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It has been a minute since I have done an episode. In this one I talk about the changes that I am experiencing in my personal life. Most pertain to and deal with an interpersonal phase. I talk about my wife, mother and grandmother and what they mean to me on this Mother’s Day holiday. I have music by Lao Tizer, Natalie Cole, Michael Franks, Angelo & Veronica, Mariah Carey, and Antonio Neal just to name a few.

Me in Me 8 (Changes) [56:16m]: Play Now | Play in Popup

Popularity: 48% [?]

My Go-Go Show

Posted on April 18, 2008
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That’s right I have a show on blogtalk radio called “Go-Go 4 the Grown & Sexy“. It is something that is a part of who I am. It airs every Friday Night at 8pm on Blogtalk Radio (click link).

Take a listen…

Popularity: 48% [?]

My mother’s child for damn sure!!!!

Posted on April 17, 2008
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Like wow it has been a minute since I have been here to do anything. But today is one of those days where I have to put it down again.

I have been on this new job since February and a lot has been going on. Since I have been here I have had the time to think on a lot of things. Most have been on myself and where I am, what I am doing, what I want to do, and how I am going to get there. Through all of these thoughts the hardest of them all was realizing I was internally FUCKED up.

Now that is not to say I am suicidal or anything that would cause anyone to be cautious around me but I am saying in the sense of my internal emotional state now. But as I begin to think even more I come to the harsh realization that I am my mother’s child. See my mom in my eyes is also FUCKED up. But on a much deeper level. The way she deals with her FUCKED-UP-TED-NESS is to shoot up or at least that is what she did when I last heard.

Me on the other hand can become moody but more importantly I nosedive straight into work. Out of all the people and family members I have ever known my mother & I have NEVER had the kind of relationship a mother and son should have. I have never known exactly what was causing an enjoyable moment to go to the trash whenever I was around her. She was not only mentally and physically abusive to me but also to my younger sister and brother.

She had me when she was 16. By the time she was 22 I was living with my grandparents due to a beating she gave me. It was beyond the lines of abuse and damn near close to death. My sister arrived at my grandparents around the age of 3. I didn’t find out until years later why. It was told to me that she was dating this guy (which whom I was familiar with and had seen, but also knew he didn’t like my sister or myself) and he basically told her to put my sister in an oven and turn it on.

She did it. Thank God something made my mother get her out before it was too late. I do remember a night when she came running in the door of my grandparents home and ran straight to the roof. But what I didn’t know was what was her problem. And as a child that is not your business. Years later I was with some relatives and we were just talking about our family and the discussion of the relationship with my mother came up.

I merely mentioned the fact that I have always wanted to know who my father was as well as I have always wondered what it was that caused our relationship to be the way it was. One of the relatives looked at another and said “He’s old enough, it’s time to let him know”. Now internally I was hoping to get a name but instead I got a whole nother thing. The first thing I was told was I WAS NOT the first born.

She had a boy at the age of 14 but he died a few days later. I was devistated because I have always wished I had an older brother. The description of her mental state was horrific and my heart went out to her. But the brother news was mild compared to the news of how I was concieved. I was told she was gang raped at a party and I broke. I could not in my wildest dreams imagine getting this kind of news.

I made it a point to get in contact with her. It was a few days before she returned my call but when she did I made it clear I needed to see her. When I did I told her what I knew and she did not deny any of it, instead she simply responded she never told me because she felt it wasn’t important. I was like at a lost for words by her response but I did find some.

I asked her “How could she not think this was not important all of the years I have ever asked her about my father”? I then went on to say if she was putting that in the back of her mind she needed to find some help because it was causing major issues in the relationships of those that love her the most. It really didn’t seem to phase her. I realized exactly how numb she was.

And that was when I made the internal decision she was FUCKED UP. Then I realized this is why she would blame others for the issues she was having in her life. I realized this is why she could not LOVE my as a mother should, why she could never accept a compliment, why she could always find something negative about herself but never anyting positive.

Well they say certain thing are passed on through genetics and I guess I got that. I will get a compliment and do say thank you but I come down hard on myself even when others see my work as great. I have for 40 something years have been dealing with these emotions and for the most part when I thought I was through it I end up going back.

Well now more than ever I want to get through this. The most important reason is not just for myself but really for my family. I do not want my children to experience the ups and downs of this. And I am concerned because in today’s world it could possibly cause you to do something you will regret. That is why I have decided to address this. Because as much as I am proud to be my mother’s child. I am also sad and hurt to be her child.

I just want to get through this……This song is for anybody that thinks it won’t get better……..

Popularity: 51% [?]

Throwback Lounge

Posted on April 12, 2008
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Hey family I got a new thing going and I wanted to share it with you. Me and my man J. Harding (Humor for the soul) have come together with a show called Throwback Lounge. Check it out.

Popularity: 100% [?]